…the moment when living stopped. Not many people can understand what it is like to have all your dreams and hopes decimated in a heartbeat. To be brutally honest, it is something I wish upon my worst enemy. Why should he escape the pain, after all he thrives causing it to others!
The events I’m referring to happened 5 years ago, the day I became a widower. Having been kept waiting for 7 hours to hear the news “who are you? Well your wife will die tonight!” Followed by the obligatory organ donor speech; I petitioned for life support to be turned as soon as possible.
For 20 seconds I held on to hope – culminating in my despairing cry “Babe don’t leave me!” Alas she was gone. what came next can only be described as a tsunami of emotions – a chasm of negativity & loss. What ensued was a blur. 3 weeks for a funeral, delayed death certificates and post-mortems. I actually called the Police to report a suspicious death 6 days later as no one would sign the paperwork.
It would be another agonising 20 months to be told exactly what had happened. In that time I saw poor excuses for family do poorer things. The only way to heal is to cut the rot. You prune a plant to eradicate the withering – surgeons cut out the cancer. Why not do the same to people? If they are rotten, cut them out of your life, right.
Healing is a hard process. There is a place between love and hate, it is not on any map. No one writes songs or poems about this place. Destination “nowhere” is a state of feeling … nothing! No love, no fears, no worries, no self control – think it, say it, do it – no one else gives a s*** so why not join them!
Not caring if you live or die, but still seeking what’s been lost. Looking for her spirit in every situation; in every new encounter. Finally realising its a fools quest: she’s in paradise right! I have a cunning plan; I’ll join her there! Extreme measures for extreme times. All the while so called family wage war or try cheating you out of money they think you have.
It is hell. When you’ve looked into the pit then if you are strong enough to walk away, only then in the words of Iggy Pop, you’ve got a real “lust for life”. For me it was not to squander that which was robbed of her, like a thief in the night. I was resolved to live, for both of us.
Five years later, many lessons have been learnt. Don’t put off or ever doubt yourself – this path is a once only deal. If they aren’t for you, then they don’t exist, after all some people cant take being treated the way they treat others. Be the cure not the disease; make someone’s load lighter not be a burden. If you have faith then for heaven sake used it – thats what’s it is for. Finally after blaming yourself and saying “I wish I could have done more”, you realise “but what could I have done?” When you give total devotion and love; and receive it back, you believe everyone is like that! Fortunately I did find someone like that.