Warning – this post is depressing and contains thoughts and feelings which need to be voiced. This was a part purpose of this blog. Read on if you are truly interested otherwise check out some other recipes.
This will start as a piece of free writing. I have a semblance of an idea – not as fully formed as I would normally expect before starting to write. But what is normal these days?
I suppose if I was truthful, I would concur I don’t know what to write. Why is that? Where has the vehemence gone; who stole the jam from my donut – who killed my mojo???
If truth be known, its probably due to sadness, or angry, or frustration – one of the more debilitating negative emotions. Sure I sup happy pills to keep my tears in check – they work fantastically, but they don’t make you happy. Happiness cant be balanced with drugs, it has to be found. So where does the “Quest for Happiness” begin?
Was it Hertzog or Maslow, who gave us the pyramid without an apex – Self Actualisation – the bullshit answer as to why humans will never be ‘happy’ with their lot? Although it is a criteria – a law to explain the offense – there are a few ‘key indicators’ as to ‘where does my happiness come from’.
Having the basics such as shelter, sufficient food, clothes, escalating to having relationships and love, to achieving respect and worth. And this where it all falls down. Actually that’s not true. That is a solution – whilst this is the more dilemma. In work – I feel I’m never listened to without a fight, never respected for the years I have in the industry or company – away from work, loved, respected, and cared for, for who I am, how I am, and what I do.
And that is exactly ‘who stole the jam in my donut’! Unfortunately the “why do I bother” sense cascades like tsunami of negativity across areas which usually are my safe haven from the storms. Suddenly you question your worth – to family, to friends, to the community – even to life itself. I said “question” – not answer, so no need to phone The Samaritans. Plenty of people exist with a zero self-image and never do anything about it. What halts that thought – if you are interested, is the list of names I keep in my head, and in my heart. The names of those for whom the choice was removed. Despite their ‘lust for life’ – death came like a robber in the night stealing the most precious, leaving behind devastation – victims left tortured and vulnerable – the loved ones who remain.
What is the answer? What should I do? How will I “move forward” & other corporate “buzz words” aka the dialect of ‘the in-crowd’ (that’s how it feels – being in the out crowd).
If I have learnt anything from the Bible and the various Lockdowns of the last year – you have to go inside and hide for a while. In my case that means, shutting down emotionally – letting the barrage of provocation from ‘lesser intellects’ (KAHN!!!!) wash over like an unregulated sports shower – its not comfortable, downright painful but very necessary.
Loofah – check, Lynx – check, deep breath – turn on the …
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Tags: Depression, emotions, exploration, shared, therapy, worth, writing